The Dating Goddess Speaks!
For the generation who invented the sexual revolution, you’d think the boomers would have solved the mysteries of love. Not so. They’re just as confused and confounded as they were in the days of free love. Where to turn for advice?We are pleased to have an interview with the Dating Goddess who has written 13 books addressing love over 40. While her blog speaks directly to mature women, much of her information will help the men love women.
What qualities must a woman over 50 possess in order to maneuver through the senior dating maze?First, optimism. Really believing you are a great catch and there is someone who will recognize that. Too many women only focus on their flaws, not their characteristics that make them fabulous. I go into this in the book, “Assessing Your Assets: Why You’re A Great Catch.”
Second, a wise mix of positiveness and caution. There are legions of stories of jerks and ripoff artists. Yes, there are plenty of men in the dating scene who you don’t want to have anything to do with. But there are also legions of nice, emotionally mature men. The trick is to know how to vet them early on — often before you even agree to a coffee date. I cover this in “Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates￼.”
Third, being clear about what you want, but being flexible on some of your criteria. Women commonly say they want a man over 6′ tall, with all his hair, and who makes over $100,000. There are plenty of interesting men who are 5′10, balding and make $75,000 who would love to have someone to spoil. So ask yourself why you have that criteria and be willing to be flexible if a man has other wonderful qualities.
What are the best ways of finding a man? Most of my friends use the Internet. Has that become the preferred way of meeting men?
Adult online dating has pros and cons. A big pro is it is an easy way to look at a lot of (presumably) single men and get to know a little about them before meeting. Yes, some lie, not only about their marital status, but about their jobs, age, fitness level, etc. My experience is that’s not the norm, but it does happen. Another pro is you can get to know someone via emails before meeting them or giving them your phone number. I’d say I give my phone # to one out of every 10 or so men who email me, and I set up a coffee date with one out of 10 who call me. So online dating takes some time and patience.
The biggest downside to Internet dating is people who list themselves on sites who would never get anyone to have coffee with them if they met them in real life. They show up unkempt, have deplorable communication skills, are crude, or emotionally challenged. You can usually weed these folks out through a few emails and phone calls without ever having to spend the time to meet them. I discuss all this in “Winning at the Online Dating Game: Stack the Deck in Your Favor.”
You can also meet people at work, church, classes, singles groups, through friends and other activities.
What are the mistakes women over 50 make when they start dating again?
They either shoot too high or too low. They shoot too high by having grandiose expectations that their next mate will meet all 100 of their criteria, rather than looking for someone who matches their values and who is attractive to them.
By shooting too low they accept selfish, immature behaviors out of loneliness. They are so desperate to have someone to go to the movies with or cuddle with, they accept loutish behaviors.
Is there a difference between dating for the fun of it and looking for a serious relationship? How would a woman approach these differently?
I encourage all women to approach dating as fun. Through the dating process you learn a lot about yourself, what you want, and what you don’t want. If you only date men you think have long-term potential, you miss out on meeting some wonderful treasures who may become long-term. And if they don’t, you have a new male friend.
What words of advice would you give to women who are looking for a man?
Become the woman that man would be attracted to. If you want a man who’s fit, you need to be fit. If you want a man who is successful, you need to do whatever you can to be successful yourself. Healthy men are attracted to women with confidence, so remind yourself why you are a great catch. Don’t be arrogant, but be sure of yourself. Be friendly and smile when you’re happy. Men love women who look like they’re enjoying life, as they want to be around those women!